Alienhouseplant

What Wheelchair?

2005-08-28T08:49:00.000-04:00

50 reasons I've given for being in a wheelchair.
(51 if you include "What wheelchair?" -- which I would say while I looked around for the wheelchair the person was asking me about... as I sat in it.)

50) Had an accident with a Twinkie.
49) Stubbed my toe really bad.
48) Just really lazy.
47) Owed money to the mob.
46) Picked my nose too deeply.
45) Was bitten by a penguin.
44) Tap-dancing accident.
43) Colored outside the lines when I was little.
42) Etch-a-sketch malfunction.
41) Grandma hugged too tight.
40) Sat on a tack.
39) Slipped on a banana peel.
38) Someone Heimliched me wrong.
37) Ran with scissors once.
36) Went to a bad proctologist.
35) Used a fork when I should have used a spoon.
34) Drank the blood of my enemy.
33) An incident with an Oreo cookie.
32) Tried to hold in a fart.
31) Crushed by a snowman.
30) Dodge ball accident.
29) Forgot to clip my toenails.
28) Faking it.
27) Tripped on a wheelchair curb-cut.
26) A fly flew into my mouth.
25) Forgot my parachute.
24) Fleas
23) Was mistaken for a pinata at a birthday party.
22) Picked at a scab.
21) Walked in another man's shoes.
20) Jumped for joy too joyously.
19) Bent down wrong while picking up a penny.
18) It happened while I was waxing my legs.
17) Filled up on candy.
16) Peed in the shower wrong.
15) Injured in a game of "this little piggy."
14) Never learned to walk when I was little.
13) Playing footsie with a girl.
12) Miniature golf.
11) Forgot to wear socks.
10) Hit the ground before waking from the dream.
09) Beaten by cops for jaywalking.
08) Made God mad.
07) Stung by a butterfly.
06) Was at the end of the rainbow when it hit.
05) Talked with my mouth full.
04) Pushed a door marked "Pull"
03) Didn't have enough for gas.
02) Voodoo.
01) Toe jam went bad.

Improved

2005-07-14T14:18:00.000-04:00

It used to be me.

The Shadow That Burped

2005-06-30T16:05:00.000-04:00

My shadows have always been a little blurry. It's like there's a shadow of my shadow on the wall or the floor. Usually my shadow-double will only whisper derogatory comments about me. Something like: "Look at you. You can't even cast a substantial shadow. You might as well not even exist." Every now and then, if I'm facing away from my shadow, and catch it out of the corner of my eye, I think I can see it flipping me off. But last week was the first time I ever heard it burp. And it's been bothering me ever since. Oddly enough, I never gave a second thought to the fact that it could speak without lungs and vocal cords. It didn't even disturb me that it could give me the finger despite the fact that neither of my hands were in a position that would cast such a shadow. I was a little freaked out the time I turned on the light and saw it 'humping' my other shadow. But the burp. The burp was upsetting. Why would a shadow burp? Wouldn't it have to eat or drink to have the urge to burp? And what does a shadow eat? Shadow food? I'm going to start watching the shadows my food makes when I'm eating. Maybe I can catch my shadow-double feeding on it. If I only eat in total darkness, or stop eating altogether, there's a chance I can starve it to death. The burp really disturbed me.